literature

Chapter 1 Questions

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       I was falling, faster and faster, soaring down through a soundless black. Icy wind is stinging every part of my naked self, flooding my ears with random low whipping noise. Then after losing all traces of time a solid flat brown dirty rock appears before me, and just as I hit I wake up. I get up disappointed and annoyed to the aggravating “ERR!! ERR!!”  of my alarm clock’ buzzer. Same way I wake up every morning for school forever, and it’s been the same dream for the last three years. Also the same time my mom died. She died of cancer smiling and saying what a great life she’s had, and it was when I met my dad for the first time. They talked when I was out of the room but apparently she forgave him for disappearing when I was born. They weren't married but they were serious about staying with each other and he got scared when she had me and vanished. A month after they were getting along she passed away.
               I’m 16 now and I’m not all mopey about it, but I suspect I’ll never really be over it. Today I’m living my usual boring daily routine of making my dad Carl I call him breakfast and mine. I leave his in his room with an aspirin and water since on school nights he gets drunk, but over the weekend we hang out and he’s not a bad guy. We go bowling, swimming, or whatever one of us wants to do that we can like how last week we went to the theatre. After breakfast is done I take a shower and bike a mile to school. We live in a apartment in Yakima city Washington, and I guess it’s not bad. I’m not used to the cold after living at my mom’ in Sacramento California, but it’s cozy here. Once I get to school I drop off my coat or stuff and go to my girlfriend’ locker. I forgot I was still wearing a hat and when I passed a teacher he grumpily grunts.
“Hat.” like he had lost his voice long ago.
I take it off but don’t reply thinking he wouldn't care for what I said. I doubt there’s really a way to change his attitude about me anyway since I have him first hour and he doesn't seem to like anyone, or anything for that matter.
I’m at my girlfriends locker and she’s not there yet so I was about to sit down when I feel a hand on my shoulder and a kiss on my cheek from her. Her name’s Janell but she likes Jen, and she’s attractive but she’s really energetic and always talking.
“Hey what’s up?” I ask.
“Nothing much, but yesterday I saw online this car that would definitely fit you and it was only like four-hundred...”
She goes on talking about stuff like that for about ten minutes but I mostly nod catch about one every three words and check her out thinking of all we’ve done alone together. We've never gone all the way, but I didn't really care to since I’ve learned from experience that it can ruin relationships if that’s all it’s about. My friends joke about it since most of them know I used to be with girls and switch between them a lot, and they still are like that.
               She’s about three or four inches shorter than me and has this black hair that shines under the light. Mine is black too but gets dark brown in the summer. Plus mine doesn't go to my ears with some red streaks in it. She usually wears a medium skirt or a dress, and today it’s a plaid skirt with her normal hoody that has ears on top with her glasses. I still find her the most attractive girl I've met so far.
               After she’s done talking, or was just about to say more, the bell rings. We split and I’m off to history. We’re only in one class together even though I’m only three months older because I skipped a grade, my sophomore year. I sit through my classes bored and during English my third hour Jen and I get in trouble for talking too much and “Not working.” even though we just work faster and were done with the work. The rest of school’s boring and nothing really happens, and even my friends were just bored today.
               After school I go to my job at Walmart my boss a grumpy, old, fat lady who never does anything but gripe about her past. I collect a bunch of straggling carts, put them away, help deliveries in the back, and then bike the two and a half miles home. Since I’m all sweaty I decide to change.
               I call or text my friends, watch TV, play games, and once it’s dark I’ll likely go on a date or hang with friends till late or early and usually still get back before my dad. I’ve done the same thing pretty much most my life and even moving since my mom’s death I still did the same thing just with other people. I also wouldn’t mind living all my life similarly.
               So when I found my dad dead the next morning I was sad for his death, but also since I knew I could no longer live the same way. I liked my dad, even though I considered him more just some guy, and I cried when he died. He died of alcohol poisoning, and after that I didn’t go to school, I didn’t go to work, for two months. My teacher, counselors, friends, and girlfriend all “helped” me through that, but really it seemed more like they constantly reminded me of it. I really was depressed and kept remembering the fun times like my Carl taking me everywhere on weekends, or how my mom would drag me shopping and teach me to do anything I asked from playing piano to fixing cars. She knew how to do anything.
               For those months I lived in foster care and after it my girlfriend broke up with me saying she liked me but didn't love me and the feeling was mutual, but after that my friends stopped hanging out or talking to me. Likely cause most people don’t like helping depressing people for too long. Now a year later I’m living alone and have a new delivery job. I forget what I can about before and try not to think about the questions I've had since then.
               Questions that I can’t guess an answer to, and I know are emotionally challenging for people to answer like “How’s this fair?” or “What do I do?” and there’s always that one that I feel I’d never know “Why?” but I wouldn't think about those if I can avoid it today. I know I don’t smile much but I find comfort in things like the saying “It’s the ugly in this world that makes beauty beautiful.” and other sappy stuff like that.
               Still even after everything I still keep having questions and that same dream.
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